On the Edge, why I haven't blogged in a while

Atlas, my last preschooler graduated. Liam's last day was very very bad. He punched another child in the face, and refused to listen; thus, spending the majority of his last day in time out. Instead of hugs and tears, I got a very bad report, and saw teachers very ready to send him off. I also got the "discipline" lecture from the director. I love our preschool, and the teachers, but what a poopy end to a 5 year relationship. I was so angry at Liam for misbehaving, but I was also so deeply but the less than warm send off. 

Lately, I feel like I have been on the edge. Sometimes, despite being consistent with discipline at home, and mixing the right amount of love and attention, my children still act like wild animals. What can you do? You regroup, and start over. Some weeks, I feel that all we are doing is regrouping, and starting over. Regrouping and starting over. Maybe that's why I haven't blogged in a while. I sit at the computer to type, and instead of some funny story or lesson learned, I just start to cry. While I was going to school, I defined myself, and my self worth by grades and academic acheivements. Every great paper, or exam I took, I felt better about myself. However, Spring 2013, I decided to take the semester off and focus on my family. 

Anyone who looks down on a stay at home mom is a fool. I've spent more time with my boys. REALLY getting to know them. Hearing their hearts, listening to their fears and worries. We've started devotions. We play games. I've gotten to volunteer at their school, and meet all of their friends. However, I've also spent a lot of time disciplining, and pleading, and talking to child psychologists, and at the doctors. I feel that no one ever told me how exhausting this ADHD journey would be. After years of struggling with my very active little boy, we finally got a diagnosis, however, it was just the beginning. In any given month, we spend over $300 on meds for Kiwi. We go to our pediatrician 1x a month for medication review, and then to a child psychologist 2x a month for behavior modification therapy. By "we", I mean, ME. Bless Mr. Man, but he works too many hours to help. I shuttle the kids around, clean the house, and go to bed. There is little gratification in this job. I feel that my joy has turned to frustration to feeling hopeless.

Everyday is like ground hog day. I have to remind Kiwi the same things. We still fight to brush our teeth, put our shoes on, not have meltdowns. Couple this with Liam's last sour day, and I about wanted to stand their crying like a crazy woman and say, "I AM TRYING! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT!?" But, I didn't.  

Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. As I finish up, I feel I must share this last bit. I've been on the fence about sharing it, but I always feel every experience we go through is such a lesson. (That, and I highly doubt this individual reads my blog) I recently had a heart to heart with a friend who had hurt me. Our conversation did not go well, at all. The more this person talked, the more I began to cry. Hindsight, some of it is comical, but in the moment, it was extremely hurtful. One of her issues was that I need to let things roll off of me and not have the need to tell people when I am hurt. There wasn't a lot of compassion or understanding. It was very cold. I cried, and cried some more. More than anything, I grieved the loss of a friend I knew. Seven years is a long time, but I realized, I am worth more than that. I deserve so much more. Maybe we out grow friendships? I don't know why I held on for so long and so hard to that one, but after that hard conversation, and many dirty tissues, I realized it was all right, and I could finally move on. 

What are you holding onto? Is anything in your life dictating how you feel about yourself or making you bitter? After our talk, I went to the gym that evening, and was listening to Air 1. Britt Nicole's Gold song came on, and I prayed and asked the Lord to help me remember my worth. My worth is not in what someone else thinks of me, or accomplishments (or lack there of). I am a child of the King. I am worth something because God loves me, and chose me as His child.
 I pray you all see your worth today, and seek the Lord when you feel less than loved!
Love, Suzzy




 Gold by Britt Nicole
 You were walking on the moon, now you're feeling low
What they said wasn't true, you're beautiful
Sticks and stones break your bones, I know what you're feeling
Words like those won't steal your glow, you're one in a million

This, this is for all the girls, boys all over the world
Whatever you've been told, you're worth more than gold
So hold your head up high, it's your time to shine
From the inside out it shows, you're worth more than gold
(Gold gold, you're gold)
You're worth more than gold
(Gold gold, you're gold)

Well everybody keeps score, afraid you're gonna lose
Just ignore they don't know the real you
All the rain in the sky can't put out your fire
Of all the stars out tonight, you shine brighter

This, this is for all the girls, boys all over the world
Whatever you've been told, you're worth more than gold
So hold your head up high, it's your time to shine
From the inside out it shows, you're worth more than gold
(Gold gold, you're gold)
You're worth more than gold
(Gold gold, you're gold)

So don't let anybody tell you that you're not loved
And don't let anybody tell you that you're not enough
Yeah there are days that we all feel like we're messed up
But the truth is that we're all diamonds in the rough
So don't be ashamed to wear your crown
You're a king you're a queen inside and out
You glow like the moon, you shine like the stars
This is for you, wherever you are

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, oh, oh,
You're gold

This, this is for all the girls, boys all over the world
Whatever you've been told, you're worth more than gold
(So hold your head) So hold your head up high,
It's your time to shine
From the inside out it shows, you're worth more than gold
(gold gold, you're gold)
You're worth more than gold
(gold gold you're gold)

So don't be ashamed to wear your crown
You're a king you're a queen inside and out